Many of us, including myself, sometimes roll our eyes at the idea of small talk. Maybe it’s because of the disingenuous pleasantries, the trivial topics, or the triteness of the whole affair. Or maybe it’s having to answer ‘pretty good’ when someone asks about your day, even if you feel like pulling your hair out. Or maybe it’s because talk is cheap, as they say. But what if there is more to it than all that? Below are some of the unspoken messages that potentially can underlie small talk.
“I’m okay, you’re okay”
Okay, so while that expression might conjure memories of learning about Anthony Harris’s Transactional Analyses in grad school, small talk can also establish a sort of mutual rapport, rhythm, or synergy that we are in this together. It’s like an ‘it’s all good’ fist-bump to let each other know that we continue to be on good terms with each other and we are poised and ready to work together without any bad vibes between us. Go team go!
Body Language
There is more to small talk than the talk itself. What about the underlying body language? Often-times when people engage in small talk their body is saying a whole lot more than the words themselves. Maybe their arms are relaxed, their tone of voice jovial and calm, and their overall demeanor and deportment welcoming and empathetic. This further elucidates that it’s not just what is spoken, but the overall message of warmth that is being presented underneath the surface message.
Let’s let bygones be bygones
Even if staff have been feuding for some time, small talk can be a sort of icebreaker or way of burying the hatchet or extending an olive branch. So while it may be hard to claim that small talk is an act of diplomacy per se, it can be a little way of saying let’s move on and work together despite our differences. Even if we have to agree to disagree.
The message itself
Okay, so maybe not all small talk is a pack of lies. Sometimes we really do mean it when we ask someone how they are doing and we would appreciate an honest answer. And some of us really do try to give an honest answer. Small talk can be genuine and well-intended, and not just a means of manipulation or navigating the social milieu. When someone asks how you are doing, try to be honest for a change (just don’t unload everything including the kitchen sink). And as always, if you really are struggling with too much stress or dealing with mental health issues, it’s never a good idea to suffer in silence. Make sure you speak to someone about it in a setting that comfortable to you. We are only hurting ourselves if we feel we have to wear a poker face or painted-on smile at all times.
In summary, it helps to look past the words themselves when considering the functionality of small talk. While on the surface it can seem trite and trivial, small talk also has an adaptive and functional purpose. It’s one of the ways people navigate their social milieu and establish rapport with a minimum of effort. So the next time someone asks “How about them Vikes,” stop and consider the subtext, underlying warmth, and the adaptive function of the verbal exchange (even if you are a Packers fan).